Tuesday, April 8, 2014
the long hall
Its been a long time since my last post, alot has happened and none of it brought joy.
to say the last few months have been hard would be an understatement; these last few months have been HELL, but now as I sit and look back I wouldn't change a single second of it. I learned a few things over this time. Hard things, some I would never want to go through again but I'm glad that I had to learn them and that the Lord kept me within step of his plan for me.
First; I learned that its okay to fall deeply in love with someone. I think this is hard for most Pastors kids or really anyone who doesn't stay in one place long. We are told to "Love our neighbors as our self" and that's great! short term, infatuation, or just being kind and respectful goes a long way, but wait actually fall in love?!?! who does that anymore? so many of us tend to hold ourselves back due to past hurts, or our own brokenness; but to actually let someone love us and love them the same way this was a new concept for me especially someone who isn't blood, who I don't have to like just cause they will never go away haha.
Second; I learned that Love sucks when its finally over. When you say that last Goodbye to someone you've invested your time and heart into, it really sucks!! I dont know about you all, but normally when I say goodbye to someone I know that they will probably come back around some time sooner or later. What sucks the most is knowing that person the one you cared for so much and told some of your darkest secretes to is gone forever and they want nothing to do with you.
Third; I learned its okay to be sad. for some reason I always had this idea that if I wasn't happy an joyful I couldn't be useful to God or my family. After some time someone said to me "Eryca, its okay to be sad, its okay to morn the loss of someone that was important to you, God wont condemn you for being sad he will cradle you until your strong enough to get back out there." this was huge moment for me! I felt free to just cry and be sad, it didn't last long when I finally let it go and come all out of me.
Forth; I learned God has a plan. I don't want to say how often these past few months I was ready to give up on God and the whole relationship with him. I saw no hope. I cant tell you how grateful I am that even when I wanted to let go God never let me go. The promise he gave us "I will never leave you or forsake you" kept me holding on wondering if he would keep his promise, and Halleluiah he did! he had a plan and he was teaching me and is still teaching me that even though I don't think he is there he keeps me and some times yes drags me along and other times he cradles me and some times we walk together.
all I can say is this; if you are going through a hard time I get it now, you arent alone! I understand now. the one thing that is most amazing of all is the verses the Lord has brought me now that Im coming out of that time. this morning I read "you, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light." Psalms 18:28 and I would say yes! he did he turned all my darkness of tthese past few months into light :)