Tuesday, April 29, 2014

A glint of hope, for women of faith.

   A recent post I read got my mind thinking and now with out full though on the subject I decided I needed to write my own thoughts. Much to my surprise I was glad to find out that I am not the only person out there that feels the disconnect between my life and my spiritual life. I for some time now have been feeling: depressed, alone, unwanted, hurt, yet these are just a few of the many emotions I have been feeling over the past few months. I am in no way a feminist as this wonderful lady that writes this blog, however, what she write about her and the realization that God loves her, as a human and values her, stirred something deep in my heart.

Bree, If you at all read this post I want to thank you for being sensitive to God and his love for you. What you wrote was inspirational and it truly awoke a deep longing in my soul.

She says something that my head and heart cant let go of, Shes talking here about Mary Magdalene and her relationship with Jesus in the last days before his death and resurrection.

   "  It was like someone kept whispering to me, "He came to her first." I never thought I would doubt my place as a women in this gospel but that is where I was. And with this small piece of the story I was overwhelmed with the love I felt my Father and Savior had for me as a woman. A woman that is more than the imperfections of her earthly body. A woman with a clear mind and a tender heart. I hadn't realized it before but I needed to know that He knew me. Not only that He knew me but that I was important to Him. I was more than the attacks on my body."

 This was very important for me to read, as I have not yet come to the conclusion of theses thoughts, this small glint has given me some hope in the oddest of ways. I have some thoughts as to my place in this gospel story, and that for me right now is huge because for some reason I have lost hope. Hope in myself, Hope in my family, Hope in my life, Hope in God, but this one post has brought me some thoughts of hope.

 Here is her link if you would like to read more:

Monday, April 28, 2014

happy accidents

Way to much fun lately with my photo class I'm learning how to take, shoot, Photoshop, fix, edit, and then post my photos to fun web sites. The first photo up there i took during a worship song :) the second one I took on accident but it was a happy little accident.

this photo class has given me some new talents that I didn't know I had. :) excited to say I will either be getting a new piercing or tattoo friday :) just a heads up if I get a tattoo you will see a lot of it on here for a few weeks.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Poems by me aren't from my brain

 You left, I'm gone.
By: Eryca Cottle

no words tonight,
my heart is heavy from the fight,
I tried so hard to hold you tight,
but you flew away and took off in flight.
there was nothing I could do in sight,
so I let you go that frightful night,
I said good bye the last time I could that night,
go away now and dont ever come back into my sight,
my heart has taken off and taken flight,
there is nothing to hold on to; nothing bound up tight,
I have nothing more to give and none left in me to fight,
so I guess this is goodbye finally; Goodnight. 

 there is something beautiful about poetry; it speaks to the deepest parts of my heart, and sings into the creases that never get light. I write it way to often and never share any of it. Im trying to track down and post more of it online since that's what people like... so if you want to follow my weird, lame and distant poems you can :).


Friday, April 11, 2014

Learning about a human exspereance.

So the other day I was listening to a song that a friend of mine wrote and produced, the song was about love. the lyrics go something along these lines;

"Its only love, if he loves you back,
 its only love if he holds your hand.
you've got the fever and your burning' bad,
 but its only love and you'll get it back..
its only love.. its only love."
(Wonder, its only love)

after listening to this song more then 30 times :) I realized what she was saying!
you love this guy(or girl depending on you) and if you love him/her and she loves you back its love, but whats really impressive to me is that she makes the awesome connection where she says "you'll get it back" which is so true! if you share your heart with someone they will share their heart with you and the love you give will be given to you too.So, in connection with all the talk and songs about love I came to the rather horrifying conclusion that love is something we all need and yet no one is telling how it works. The bible does and excellent job of clearly pointing out who love is, why we need to love, who we need to love, and what actions love needs to look like; BUT no one explains how to feel love, or how to share your heart with someone. instead of the worlds view of "give me your heart", that ideal is rather terrifying. "GIVE MY HEART TO SOMEONE?!?!?, ARE YOU CRAZY!?!?! I don't even trust myself with my heart why would I give it to someone else?" isn't this the truth? we don't even trust ourselves enough to love yourselves.

So first we must learn one thing, how to love yourself. what do you like about you? write a list! whats your favorite things about you?

More posts to come on this subject! :)

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

the long hall

Its been a long time since my last post, alot has happened and none of it brought joy.
to say the last few months have been hard would be an understatement; these last few months have been HELL, but now as I sit and look back I wouldn't change a single second of it. I learned a few things over this time. Hard things, some I would never want to go through again but I'm glad that I had to learn them and that the Lord kept me within step of his plan for me.

First; I learned that its okay to fall deeply in love with someone. I think this is hard for most Pastors kids or really anyone who doesn't stay in one place long. We are told to "Love our neighbors as our self" and that's great! short term, infatuation, or just being kind and respectful goes a long way, but wait actually fall in love?!?! who does that anymore? so many of us tend to hold ourselves back due to past hurts, or our own brokenness; but to actually let someone love us and love them the same way this was a new concept for me especially someone who isn't blood, who I don't have to like just cause they will never go away haha.

Second; I learned that Love sucks when its finally over. When you say that last Goodbye to someone you've invested your time and heart into, it really sucks!! I dont know about you all, but normally when I say goodbye to someone I know that they will probably come back around some time sooner or later. What sucks the most is knowing that person the one you cared for so much and told some of your darkest secretes to is gone forever and they want nothing to do with you.

Third; I learned its okay to be sad. for some reason I always had this idea that if I wasn't happy an joyful I couldn't be useful to God or my family. After some time someone said to me "Eryca, its okay to be sad, its okay to morn the loss of someone that was important to you, God wont condemn you for being sad he will cradle you until your strong enough to get back out there." this was huge moment for me! I felt free to just cry and be sad, it didn't last long when I finally let it go and come all out of me.

Forth; I learned God has a plan. I don't want to say how often these past few months I was ready to give up on God and the whole relationship with him. I saw no hope. I cant tell you how grateful I am that even when I wanted to let go God never let me go. The promise he gave us "I will never leave you or forsake you" kept me holding on wondering if he would keep his promise, and Halleluiah he did! he had a plan and he was teaching me and is still teaching me that even though I don't think he is there he keeps me and some times yes drags me along and other times he cradles me and some times we walk together.

all I can say is this; if you are going through a hard time I get it now, you arent alone! I understand now.  the one thing that is most amazing of all is the verses the Lord has brought me now that Im coming out of that time. this morning I read "you, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light." Psalms 18:28 and I would say yes! he did he turned all my darkness of tthese past few months into light :)