Monday, May 5, 2014

In the moments

How to write this, Well, Ive been struggling for a long time. Some of you who are close know this, some of you who aren't never saw it. For the past three months I have been struggling in my walk with the Lord (really I've been struggling since last summer). The partial move to Michigan changed me a lot; while I was in Michigan the Lord specifically promised me something.

 Matthew 10: 29-31
   "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows."

I was assured that the father would take care of me, and even though I was afraid of moving back home to share a room with my sister and go back to a school I hated, I was assured that my needs would be taken care of. Promptly upon coming home I was offered a great paying/hard working job. Delighted, I took the position and worked literally hip to hip with some one who has become near and dear to my heart. Over some sad situations and school starting I lost the job and someone very close to my heart. In that moment of loosing that wonderful job and loosing connection with a person who I cared very much for, anger set into my heart. I have been living in that anger for some time now. I felt betrayed, and forgotten. It would seem that now I was the sparrow falling to the ground. Lost and confused, I started going to school: met a wonderful man and we started dating. I thought maybe the Lord has supplied a different way, and while this relationship could never be as life giving as the one I had during my job I accepted it and was happy. That relationship was doomed from the moment it began and sadly it has effected me very deeply. 

All this to say, I have been depressed, confused, lost, feeling betrayed, and hurt. the last few months have been the hardest in my relationship with the Father and my reluctancy to pray or read my bible had greatly increased. However, through this whole time the father hasn't left me as I had been so feeling he had. the other day a beloved friend called me from Tennessee, the other day I went to Portland with a lady from my church and at a women's retreat some one prayed for me. 

Last night after a long and rather crazy day, I decide to crack open my bible one more time ( I had been reading and was getting nothing for a long time). I of course read in the wrong place, but God knew what he was doing. I read over the passage 1 Kings 19, In this passage there is a paragraph that is titled The Lord speaks to Elijah to my empty heart, something came awake inside. 

I realized Elijah and I we are in the same spot in this story, He was lost and confused the Israelite's were killing prophets, the promise that he would be safe seemed so distance now, and I was right there with him. In a cave of my own emotion and scared for my life I was right there with Elijah, and  the lord asked a simple question to Elijah; "what are you doing here?". Elijah's responds was perfect, he said he was jealous for the Lord. It hit me, when the Lord asks us "what are you doing here" do we rephrase the promise he gave us? do we tell him whats going on? are we as real with him as he is with us? What am I doing here? I'm lost and confused and hurt and rejected and what am I doing here? are you being asked that question and replying to God with the one thing you need most from him? if not I want to encourage you to. 

 "what are you doing here, Eryca?" 
I didn't want to post this, share this, let everyone know what has been going on with me. while writing this I had lots of tears. I'm not saying I've got this all figured out, the Lord and I are still wrestling, But I see hope now. I may not always see the end of the road or the destination of where I'm going to end up, but I know I can say God is good! and he has never left me or forsaken me. are you struggling, lost, confused? what are you doing here?